10/03/24: teacher guide (1) compulsory teacher clichés

There are two days at teacher training college which are of supreme importance, far above anything else learnt in the year. Deep sighing day and cliché day. All aspiring teachers need to learn how to sigh audibly, visibly, and with appropriate gravitas to convey the clear message – I am very disappointed in you and you know why!

And all teachers must learn an approved set of clichés then to use at the appropriate time. I’m concerned that some experienced teachers may have come adrift from this and are instead using some original phrases of their own. (Original? How did that dreadful word get into this guide?)

So, I am pleased to present a refresher course. Please read and take note carefully. If there’s any I’ve forgotten please let me know, I’ll be very pleased to add them to the list!

1. In response to the question, “Can I go the toilet?” you must reply, “I don’t know. Can you?” This is guaranteed to get an appreciative burst of laughter no matter how many times students have heard it before. And you are helping to educate the next generation in the intricacies of the English language. Of course, the distinction between ‘can’ and ‘may’ is rigorously maintained in the entirety of the adult world, so we’re all working together to ensure that youngsters of today speak properly.
2. In response to the question, “May I borrow a tissue?” you must reply, “Certainly not! I don’t want it back after you’ve used it!” This will again, get an appreciative burst of laughter, and is not at all wilfully obtuse or pedantic.
3. In response to a student saying, “But they told me to do it!” you must respond, “And if they told you to put your head in the oven, would you do that?” This piece of wisdom will cause students to reflect on the error of their ways, repent and go forward in life sinning no more. I would point out, however, that not all students have grasped the concept of rhetorical question, so students may respond with something like, “Well, if the oven is off, I suppose that would be OK.” According to your mood, this is either hysterically funny / worth a faint smile / somewhat tiresome / misbehaviour somewhere close to mass murder. Respond accordingly.
4. In response to questions such as, “Do I underline the heading?” or, “What do I do after I’ve finished question 1?” the issue here is not what you say but how you say it. Calmness, respect for the needs of the student and helpfulness are paramount. Under no circumstances do you sound sarcastic or as if you’re about to have a nervous breakdown.
5. In response to – well, pretty much anything, really – respond, “When you ASSUME you make an ASS of U and ME.” Clever stuff, huh? From a linguistic point of view a complete load of nonsense, but clever nonetheless. Now, trying saying this key sentence out loud. Next, try saying it out loud without sounding deeply patronising. You see? Not possible, is it?
6. In responding to students misbehaving and then trying to make out they didn’t do anything, you must respond, “Do you think I was born yesterday?” In all likelihood this bon mot will be entirely meaningless to your students, but say it with appropriate seriousness and hopefully everybody will forgot what has just happened and move on.

I think that’s all for now, as I say, do please let me know if there’s anything else. Let me know how your renewed determination to use appropriate clichés goes. Thank you for reading, I’ll be back again soon!