Teachers were born middle aged. This is very important to understand. They did not have childhoods. They have never farted – and don’t actually know what this is. They never went to school as students – which helps to explain some of their oddities as explored in part 3 of this guide. They think we should remember what we learnt in a classroom after we left it! And that there are connections between subjects! And their subjects are useful in the outside world! Quite absurd, of course, but understandable and to be tolerated with as much grace as you can muster.
But not having been at school themselves means that they will have no knowledge of the marvellously inventive ways you can think of as to how to mess around. Put your hand over your mouth and whisper to the person next to you, teachers will have no idea what you’re doing! So if you’re doing this and a teacher remonstrates, feel free to go into an elaborate pantomime – that is, say in an exasperated tone, “What did I do?” with associated shocked body language – in the sure knowledge that the teacher is bluffing and really has no idea. This continues to be true no matter how long a teacher has been teaching.
Teachers cease to exist outside of school hours Either that or they stay in the school building, never to emerge. Possibly there are underground dormitories? So, if you see, or think you see, a teacher outside of the school building outside of school time, this is a thing of great awe and wonder! A teacher shopping in Sainsbury’s? How extraordinary!
If you are with your parents when you see a teacher, this is a matter of great calamity. Turn away from the teacher – which means, of course, that you can’t be seen. Do whatever you can to stop your teacher talking to your parents – it’s bad enough when this happens at parents’ evenings, please not at the weekend! Hopefully the crisis moment won’t last too long.
It is quite different, of course, when you are with a group of friends. Greet your teacher like a long lost friend. Remind them of the last time you were in an altercation in their presence, teachers will really like this. Comment loudly on their choice of deodorant or anything else in their shopping trolley. Keep this up for as long as possible – but probably better not to wait for the teacher to find a security guard to rescue them.
Teachers give detentions and other sanctions because they are vindictive It seems that teachers think that there is a connection between student behaviour, or amount of classwork or homework done, and the punishments they give. Huh! Every student knows that punishments are given out of malice in a totally inconsistent and random manner, according to how the teacher feels at the time. So make sure you protest loudly whenever given a detention or other punishment, demand an explanation but don’t listen to it if given, continue to protest the unfairness of the situation whatever you might have done. You may have done no homework for the third week in a row, you may have written a title but nothing more in class, you have thrown the pen of the person sitting next to you across the room, what does any of this matter? Other people have done much worse, haven’t they? Clearly any punishment is unfair and irrational.
There are different types of teachers There are the old, the very old and the extremely old. The irritable, the very irritable and the extremely irritable. The humourless, the very humourless and the extremely humourless. The unfashionable, the very unfashionable and the extremely unfashionable.
Unfortunately, not all teachers understand this. Some think they are ‘young’, and even use words like ‘cool’ and ‘hip’. Yuck, yuck and more yuck! Nobody says these things any more! And even worse, teachers may think they are funny, make jokes and expect us to laugh. Why on earth would they do that? They don’t find our jokes funny, do they?
In summary, teachers are a separate breed to be treated as such. Understanding them helps you to manage their behaviour in the classroom. But that is a matter for a future part of this invaluable guide.
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