04/02/24: Student guide (1) how to waste time without getting into trouble

A belated new year to you, trust 2024 is bringing all you wish for and more. After a bit of a gap I’ve a few ideas for blog posts so hope you enjoy. If you wish to encourage me – or think I’ve missed anything in the blog below – do let me know! Enjoy.

Come into the classroom with your coat on and your bag tightly zipped up. Cardinal rule: any instructions the teacher gives apply to other people unless you are specifically named. So, wait until you are specifically asked to remove coat or take equipment out of your bag.

When this happens, you need to work out the slowest speed at which you can carry out these arduous tasks without getting into trouble. One key thing to note is how busy your teacher is: the busier your teacher is, the slower you can be.

Some prior preparation is required to ensure that, when you have finally opened your bag, any equipment you need is right at the very bottom of an overfull bag. Days on which you have PE are ideal in this regard. In fact – why not bring a PE kit with you everyday? Who knows when a PE lesson might be sprung upon you as a nice surprise?

When you have found your retractable ball point pen, take a moment – well, as long as possible, really – to admire the fine piece of engineering your pen undoubtedly is. Take it apart to work out how it works. Should the cartridge explode, or the spring go flying across the room, is that your fault? It is a well known fact that pens have minds of their own. You could go after the spring – or ask to wash your hands – which would, of course, be in the spirit of wasting time but mean that the teacher’s attention is attracted towards you which could curtail further attempts to waste time. So, on balance, probably better to accept the fact that your pen is unusable and sit doing nothing awaiting further instructions.

By this time it is likely that the introductory activity is over and the teacher is introducing the next topic. Which gives you the chance to day dream. There is the faint possibility of the teacher unexpectedly firing a question at you which will, I’m afraid, cause a moment of discomfort. The thing to do here is look pained and confused – I’ve been working so hard to follow you but this is all too difficult! In all likelihood this moment will be short lived, the teacher wants to keep the lesson moving along, after all, and will probably ask another student. You will need, I’m sorry to say, to pay attention for the next few minutes as the teacher may well ask you another question shortly afterwards. Alas, no method is fool proof.

When the teacher says something like, “Open your textbook to page 213 and do exercise 3M starting at question 1,” you will, as mentioned above, be waiting to be told by name to do this, general instructions are for other people. Beyond this, it is important to understand that what the teacher really means is, “Open your textbook to page 213 and do question 1 of exercise 3M, under no circumstances go onto question 2 until given further instructions.” And please remember, your teacher is a busy person, no need to tell your teacher when you have finished question 1, your teacher has many other important things to do rather than to deal with you.

Few other pointers at this stage in the lesson. If your teacher is operating a queueing system to give individual help, choose a time when the queue is pretty long and join it, if necessary with an exaggerated air of bafflement and eagerness to understand the point of confusion. But then, when you are almost at the front of the queue, suddenly realise – no, actually, I can do this! And sit down in triumphant satisfaction. Only to realise a few minutes later, no, you were right in the first place, go back to the queue – which, of course, means the end of the queue. Repeat as often as you can get away with.

If the teacher is not operating a queueing system, it is worth seeing if you can doodle in a manner which looks, from a distance, if you are actually doing work. Again, the busier your teacher is the more likely this is to work.

Of course, it takes a full 15 minutes at the end of the lesson to pack up and get ready to go, so no reasonable teacher will expect any work to be done at this stage. We will in future posts be examining the question as to how to manage the behaviour of our teachers, for the moment we need to be keeping below the radar, if necessary, profess ignorance as to the ending time of the lesson and claim you thought it was earlier. Alas, not all teachers are reasonable enough to understand this crucial point.

With sustained effort and practice the methods above should mean that you need not work for more than 5 minutes in any 1 hour lesson. Try not to be disappointed if you need to work for longer than that initially as you perfect your time wasting skills. I would say that this guide is a ‘work in progress’, if there is anything I have missed, please do let me know. Meanwhile, thank you for reading, I trust this is helpful as you learn how to cope in the classroom, doing minimal work but avoiding trouble. Until the next time!