‘Sorry’. This is a great word. Simultaneously magical and meaningless. Magical because it can get you out of a great deal of trouble. And it doesn’t necessarily matter exactly how you say it, if challenged you adopt a pained expression and say, “But I said I was sorry.” Meaningless because it commits you to no further action, no change in your ways, nothing. Fantastic!
‘What about him?’ It is, of course, entirely unreasonable that you should be expected to take your coat off / get your exercise book out / turn to the relevant page in the textbook / etc. etc. etc. when there is somebody – anybody – else in the room who has not done so. How can that be fair? So bring to your teacher’s attention those who are also not doing as they should. And your teacher will be very grateful. Well, they will be if they’re reasonable, unfortunately, not all teachers are. Any apparent contradiction with the point in part 1 of this guide that you only listen to individual instructions is for teachers to worry about. After all, isn’t that what they’re paid for?
‘Yeah, but….’ “You are late to this lesson.” ’Yeah, but….’ ”You haven’t done your homework.” ’Yeah, but….’ ”You are talking over me.” ’Yeah, but…’ This key phrase in student terminology in effect means: I accept the general point you are making, but there are particular reasons why the general principle does not apply to me at this precise moment in time. Continue the explanation for long enough and your teacher is likely to forget the original problem and move on to the next thing.
‘What did I do?’ Your teachers were, of course, born yesterday, and have never before seen the marvellously clever ways you have devised of misbehaving. They know nothing about body language so all misbehaviour must be communicated orally. Since they are looking after groups of 30 they are completely incapable of working out what you yourself were doing. If possible, continue this conversation until the teacher has forgotten what the original point was.
‘Why?’ Very young children learn fairly quickly that this is a word which means that a conversation can be continued indefinitely with no action. ”Please put your shoes on.” ’Why?’ ”Because when we go out you’ll need them.” ’Why?’ ”Well, it’s cold outside and without shoes your feet will get cold.” ’Why?’ You get the idea. No problem in bringing this concept into the secondary school. Anything the teacher says, no matter how often the school rule has been repeated or obvious the point, can be met by this great word. Repeat as often as necessary.
‘What’s the point of this?’ Teachers will, of course, be thrilled that you are engaging with the philosophical core of their subject. This question is best asked when they are already busy and stressed and thinking about 16 other things.
‘Can I borrow a pencil?’ Actually, the point here is not the precise question but the timing. Your teacher has spent the last three lessons organising interactive activities building up towards Pythagoras’ theorem. They are just about to come to the grand reveal and – now is the time you ask your question. You might find the teacher is not best pleased, but well, whatever, they get paid anyway, don’t they?
I’m sure there are other items of key student terminology, please do let me know. Thank you for reading!
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